Love through the Internet. Is it a real love? I was wondering about it for all the last 5 months. Before I met you in the real world, which was full of the bright colors and the hot summer sun and the high sky. In Toronto when I used to see the sky, only three times, it was so down, I even tried to escape from there. I have never been afraid of the small spaces, but there I was out of my breath, and it wasn't because I was smoking too much for whole year. It because the sky was too down. And I was needed my freedom, my freedom to fly away. Sky. No. Now I know, that it wasn’t a reason why I was suffocating. You. You are the only reason. Only you.
Closing yourself in the 3D reality of the Internet of the ICQ, MSN and Skype, closing yourself in the eternal waiting for the response. For the response from you. You. You are the only reason for my life. Stop here. Here the beginning of my story.
It began in April. The 21st boyfriend was trying to fuck me and I was drunk as a devil and I was trying to convert him from the Islam to the Christianity, not because I was so religious, but because I like to deny everything, some kind of the nihilism in my soul and heart. This guy never got his satisfaction; he needed to go to the washroom to fuck himself. I don't care, I was to drunk. My laptop - the best friend of my life at this period was staring at me on the same way as I was staring at him. That was my life.
You first wrote me. Your girlfriend gave you my ICQ's number and while you were fucking her you wrote me. For what reason? Why? I will never got it, but I bless that day. But the irony is that without reading the history of our chat, I don't remember the exact date. But I want to remember.
I wasn't alone. I wasn't lonely. I just was bored and I hated myself so much. I was playing the online role games with the sexual context about gays. My life was wasted. I have no reason to live and because I was too drunk I even tried to jump from the balcony from the 6th floor. Also I was wondering how would I be seen on the ground. I was too drunk. That was my fucking life.
Closing yourself in the 3D reality of 2D words and just 1D understanding. You know, my laptop - the best friend, was even cleverer and happier than me.
But on April you 1st time wrote me a message, but I never realized that the April was the day of my changing, just because I was so fucking drunk that day. Stop. I just too honesty for me. I usually lie too much, because I hate myself and I’m bored. Because my life seemed to me so simple and so wasted.
The converting to the Christianity was failed, because the 21st boy was a Muslim. HE WAS FUCKING MUSLIM. And he would never betray his GOD. Damned. I cursed myself again. Just because you wrote me. YOU.
Since that time I really forget about the reality. Every time when I was away from my laptop I was trying to get to it as quickly as I can. I felt as I lost something very important without my laptop. And all the free and busy time I spent with HIM - my best friend - laptop. And YOU - my Internet lover - another contact in ICQ - Sakurai. In Russian language there is I a very meaningful combination of two words: SUKA and RAI - the meanings are - BITCH and HEAVEN. Yes, you are my bitch, you are my fucking heaven. I wasted my life for you, I presented it to you, and I sacrifice it to you. Love me, babe, which only I was asking you for two months.
Closing yourself in the 3D world and cry the REAL tears and cutting you REAL wrists and watching how your REAL blood was flooding away, just because you didn't answer me. Stop here. Understand the craziness of this 3D reality.
One day I was trying to hate you. I was really trying to delete you from my contact list and block you. But, as I understand from the whole my past living, I was too weak person. And you became my drug, and then and now I’m absolutely a fucking drug addict. You made my life circling only around you. Stop, not you, around your answers to me, because I didn't see you, I didn't touch you, I didn't feel you yet. Stop. Understand and now forget this Holy crap of the meaningful life.
Since two months suffering without the responses to my love to you, without caring about my useless life from you, you finally said - I love you. And again, ironically said, you were fucking your girlfriend. Nice. That was the fucking 3D reality of the REAL world. You were fucking your girlfriend. Nice. But I loved you so much. Nice, but you are my drug. The effect of this drug is indescribable but without it you'd better die. I was nearly at that point. Crying. Crying. Crying. Plates and cups were all broken. Heart and soul were in pieces. Veins were all cut. There was no blood inside of me. I gained weight; I was staring at the monitor just to wait for you. I didn't sleep for more than 2 hours a day. I failed every test. I didn't go to school for 3 weeks in a row. I missed my exams. I was waiting for you. YOU to be free for me. Did it worth it? Stop.
Now I can clearly realize, now I can clearly say that every day, every fucking minute I was waiting for you, everything that had come after, everything at all, now I can say - it worth it. Believe me or not, but it's true. But maybe I still can't say too honesty, because there are too many hesitations inside of me, but I know, that it should be that way and nothing else. Everything worth it.
Everything I sacrifice to you was the most pressure to me, and frankly speaking, I really don't regret. I’m just fucking don't give any shit. It was. It just happened, so what? I gave you everything I can give. I even was trying to sacrifice my life, but you didn't let me, and I also was too weak and scared. To kill yourself you need to be too stupid and too strong at the same time, or you need to be just very careless. That’s only you can do for yourself, and than just die. That is how I was thinking for two long weeks without you.
You disappeared. No Internet, no ICQ, nothing. You icon was always - OFFLINE. I was mad. I was scared to death. I was still waiting for you, all these long nights, all these cold mornings. All that time when I imagined so scary pictures, when I was thinking about everything, even aliens, but not about the most important things. You love me, and I should to believe it. But that day it was the most difficult thing to do. I never believed people and I needed to teach myself to do it, because without trust there is nothing in the world.
I need to tell that Sakurai at that time was living in Moscow and I was living in Toronto. The difference in time was incredible - 8 hours. When this stupid sun was rising its head at Moscow, in Toronto the same stupid sun was already tired to shine my way, and was going down to sleep. I hated the sun, I hated the sky but the only thing that I hate the most was ME. Only me.
I hated myself as much as I loved you. That’s why; every day new scars were on my wrist. That’s why all the china was broken at my room. I hated myself and frankly speaking, I still hate myself just for this stupid existence.
The most ironic case in our relation was that I just couldn’t live without you. The same to you. I finally got your heart. I finally got you all. But when I was in Canada, in Toronto, 9 hours flying from you, I never felt that you love me, I never felt that I could handle it. It was just incredibly hard to me to live, with understanding that you are not here, in front of me, right now. Stop. Too many emotions and too less sex. I was needed sex.
Be honest I was a virgin. But all these role games, these entire Internet - it all spoilt me. And in fact I became a pervert. YOU spoilt me. YOU - my personal Atsushi Sakurai - the sex idol of the Japanese music culture. Personal fucker. Yes baby, fuck me one more time. I was in need. Stop. Too honest.
25th of July, flight SU 303 Aeroflot: Toronto- Moscow, 17.50. I was praying to that date. I believe it. I worship it, as it was some kind of a new beautiful Goddess. And in fact it was my new life.
26th of July I’m in Moscow. Nothing changes. "Always stays the same, nothing ever changes..." ("Summer Rain", Placebo). Again the quarrels with my parents, again our misunderstandings, again my mother and me cry all the nights long. It was y life and it’s still mine. The only one thing that changed was ME. No, my feelings. I finally believed in love. In love as a pure sense of life.
28th of July I met you. And still you are the only woman I love. Only one.
What can I say in describing of all those feelings that I had when for the first time in my life I hug you, kiss you, feel you, and smell you? How can I describe it? Oh boy, that something you need to feel on your own, not reading. I’ve been waiting for 4 months, I was waiting all alone in my cries in vain and finally in the cold day of the Moscow’s summer I found YOU - the second part of my life, the second part of my heart and soul. I found my Fucking Heaven. The feelings? Hell no feelings, it was like an overdose of the strongest drug and I faint and I was watching so colorful and strange dreams that they finally became my reality. I forgot about the Internet. I forgot about my "best friend", because I had my personal fucker. My Fucking Heaven. What else should I need? Stop.
I began to lose weight, I started jogging, started to look after myself. I started to live for someone. I was loved. LOVED. And it doesn't mean just simple word "Loved" it's mean – Being Loved by YOU.
Days were crazy with you. I’ve never done such things in my life which I did with you, but frankly speaking, being shy from the nature I found myself so fucking pervert and open-minded, so open to new things near you. It was just me, whom I didn't know before you. You are the one, who open this real me in me. Thank you and stop. Let's freeze ourselves for the entire time and eternal moment here. When the smile on my face never gone away, when I had you near me right there, when I was so faithful, that I begun to go to church again. Let’s stop here forever, we will turn on the Placebo - their music always remind me about US. Let’s watching this utopia forever, for the rest of all my life.
On the backstage of my play  - my life – there was so load scream "NO!" and everything turns and freeze time went so quickly ahead that now I really didn't get how come that already was the 31st of August. I want to live forever in the moment of us, with the music of Placebo, with the Moscow summer’s rain and with the whole bunch of flowers on our bed. I want to stay at that moment forever. With no worries, no cries, no regrets and blood on my wrists. Stop. Nothing lasts forever. Stop.
I usually cry so much, but when we were standing in the morning platform of the subway, while I was hugging you and kissing you, for the last time, I could not cry. I cursed myself for this. But I couldn't. You can't cry only when it's a great shock. So it was. It was the greatest shock in my life. I LEFT YOU. I GONE FROM YOU.
And now I’m in Toronto. Again this small sky and I’m suffocation. Because there are no you with me, near, right now. I can physically feel this emptiness inside of me, as before I fell you inside of me. And my body still remembers your gentle touches. I can't imagine it - that here I’m all alone. I can't imagine, if so - I would die. Because since the time we were together I understood, perfectly understood - you are a whole world to me, you are my everything and anything. You know, there no such words in the whole universe to say how I love you, there are no such colors on the earth to draw on the sky all my feelings - the sky is too simple, especially in Toronto, the colors are too poor. When I’m near you I feel the whole world, with the earth, with the other planets, with all people, with all their feelings an emotions, but without you I don't feel anything, only pain from the hollow heart, only pain because of my emptiness. I feel like I’m dying: no more smile, no more breath, only blood on my wrist. And again, and again I close myself in the 3D reality of the Internet, 2D reality of ICQ, Skype and MSN and 1D reality of my emptiness. I again live only for your response; I again live only for you to be online. But something changed, something very important - I feel that you also live for me, because I know WE can't live without each other. You said me someday that we were the worlds of each other, the powers of our lives, and without each other we will simply die. You know what? Now I don't want to die so simply. Now I don't want. Because I have you. I love you. And you love me.
And again I’m in Toronto. All alone. Like I was here just one month ago. With no powers to live, with no thought except thoughts about you. And now, my holy tears returned to me. And I cry all the days, all the nights. Especially at night, when I the loneliest person, when there is no YOU to cover me with you warm to hide from all these stupid faces, voices, smiles. I again start to deny my happiness; I again start to close myself in these four walls. Because simply I can't live without you. Just one touch, just one kiss, just one smile from you. Stop. That’s too much I’m asking from God. God is usually deaf for my cries, cries in vain.
Stop. No more. You are online and the confession stops right here, where I had begun 6 months ago.
Stop.

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